Whale dies so that we might live

Religious groups the world over put aside their differences to give praise and thanks to a whale which sacrificed itself on a beach in Cornwall this week.

The sixty-five-foot mammal was discovered on Monday evening with wounds on her midriff, eye injuries and holes through her hands.

Attempts to rescue the beast were met with hooting noises and incoherent speech which many took to be speaking in tongues.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan WIlliams was on the scene. He said: “This animal has set an example by making the ultimate sacrifice — its own life — so that we might live another day.”

Similiarly, Deputy Secretary General of the Muslim Council of Britain Daud Abdullah also came to the air-breathing mammal’s defence, comparing her to the Prophet Muhammed, while discouraging the public from making graven images of her.

Secular groups also got involved with the action, recalling the 2001 “Thames dolphin incident,” which eclipsed the coverage of Princess Diana’s funeral by a factor of 10.

An Amnesty International spokesperson offered her thoughts on condition of anonymity: “Amnesty is famous for defending human rights, but whales are also humans. This is a prime example of the hypocrisy of governments and totalitarian regimes who insist on treating people who live in the sea and eat tons of krill every day as if they’re not the same as us.”

A Buddhist monk appeared on the scene shortly before the creature died to perform an ad-hoc self-immolation, which was greeted with warm applause.

While rescue groups could not resuscitate the whale back to life, all are agreed that it has been an important and revealing chapter of our human development.

‘Pancake Day bollocks’ says European court

Civil liberties campaigners celebrated today as the European Court of Human Rights declared making pancakes to be an inalienable freedom which can legally be indulged at any time of the year.

For centuries food lovers had only been able to cook pancakes on one day of the year, Shrove Tuesday, an arbitrarily defined date chosen in secret by top Cardinals in the Catholic church.

But today’s shock ruling has changed the way people will now consume eggs, flour and milk.

“I love pancakes but I always seem to have dialysis sessions booked for pancake day,” said Kelly Chubber of Essex. “But now  I can have them whenever I want, which is for every meal for the rest of my life,” the cretin excreted.

The Vatican has always been notoriously guarded about its confection policy, with some commentators going so far as to suggest that it has been involved at cover ups of clandestine non-Shrove pancake preparation.

Despite the law, many have chosen to ignore the age-old prohibition. Famous racist arsehole Jeremy Clarkson said: “If you let a bunch of paedos tell you when to eat then you deserve to be shot.”

‘I slipped and accidentally opened bank account,’ says Redknapp

Professional sport-rapist manager Harry Redknapp yesterday claimed that he accidentally opened the Monaco bank account into which hundreds of thousands of pounds were paid in a legal arrangment.

Giving evidence at Westminster Magistrates’ Court, Redknapp insisted that he was attempting to help women and children off a sinking boat when he realised that he had somehow set up a clandestine bank account in an notorious tax haven.

While he accepted that what he had done was wrong, he denied any wrongdoing.

The veteran manager further demonstrated his humility by ripping three fingernails out of his fingers before going on to insist that he would only accept crucifixion as punishment for his crimes – which he insisted were legal, ethical and nonexistant.

The court heard that the money — which he acquired in an honourable manner — had nothing to do with trasnfer bribes, which are nearly always undertaken using cash or Western Union transfers.

The brave millionaire went on to explain that he had done nothing wrong, but would be prepared to face up to the consequences and the music and pay society back for the thing he did which wasn’t illegal.

The judge presiding over the case is believed to be speaking to the Vatican with a view to making Redknapp a saint.