Whale dies so that we might live

Religious groups the world over put aside their differences to give praise and thanks to a whale which sacrificed itself on a beach in Cornwall this week.

The sixty-five-foot mammal was discovered on Monday evening with wounds on her midriff, eye injuries and holes through her hands.

Attempts to rescue the beast were met with hooting noises and incoherent speech which many took to be speaking in tongues.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan WIlliams was on the scene. He said: “This animal has set an example by making the ultimate sacrifice — its own life — so that we might live another day.”

Similiarly, Deputy Secretary General of the Muslim Council of Britain Daud Abdullah also came to the air-breathing mammal’s defence, comparing her to the Prophet Muhammed, while discouraging the public from making graven images of her.

Secular groups also got involved with the action, recalling the 2001 “Thames dolphin incident,” which eclipsed the coverage of Princess Diana’s funeral by a factor of 10.

An Amnesty International spokesperson offered her thoughts on condition of anonymity: “Amnesty is famous for defending human rights, but whales are also humans. This is a prime example of the hypocrisy of governments and totalitarian regimes who insist on treating people who live in the sea and eat tons of krill every day as if they’re not the same as us.”

A Buddhist monk appeared on the scene shortly before the creature died to perform an ad-hoc self-immolation, which was greeted with warm applause.

While rescue groups could not resuscitate the whale back to life, all are agreed that it has been an important and revealing chapter of our human development.